


Thin Ice

by Ninfia_Fan



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5509901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninfia_Fan/pseuds/Ninfia_Fan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lukas and Mathias don’t usually argue. When they do, they don’t usually yell. When they yell, Lukas usually doesn’t tell Mathias to leave. Tonight isn’t usual, though. Tonight is very unusual. When Mathias storms out of the house in a fit of rage, and into the freezing grip of a blizzard. Lukas goes to search for him, yet he is very much aware that death is looming, watching, waiting for the right moment to strike. One question plagues Lukas’ mind: if he gets Mathias home, safe and well, will he stay? Or, will Mathias leave not only him, but their son, Emil, too?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thin Ice

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Secret Santa gift for Tumblr user APH-Norslay. The Secret Santa was organised by APH-Romania-Reindeer, who is also on Tumblr. You can find me on Tumblr under the name APH-Hetalia-And-You. I am also on FanFiction.net under the name Ninfia-Fan.
> 
> Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, if you don't celebrate Christmas!

Tension filled the room, thickening the air around the two occupants. Piercing deep-lavender eyes bore their way into sky-blue, which were now stormy and full of turmoil. The words had left his lips, and now they hung in the air, waiting for some kind of validation. Time stretched and warped, morphing itself so that it dragged on forever, extending what was only a few seconds into an abomination that felt like hours.

Neither of the two relented in their stone-cold gazes, yet, each one was trying to get the other to crack, to show some form of weakness that would drag things into their favour. Finally, a deep breath broke the silence, the words it carried hurled like knives, despite the quietness with which they were spoken.

“Get out,” A pause, time to recollect his thoughts, “Leave, Mathias.”

Silence flitted into the room once more, as quickly as the words departed. This time, it wasn’t the tense silence of before. This time, it was crushing and hurting, stabbing and prodding. Once again, words dangled in the air, as if held by strings. Lukas and Mathias refused to give into the other, not after what had been said just now. Lukas had shut himself off, slamming a wall down between himself and Mathias, preventing the other from gleaning anything from subtle hints or quirks.

Mathias had done something similar: shut Lukas out of his mind. However, whereas Lukas was looking to protect himself from any more pain, Mathias was looking to prevent any sort of feeling, emotion, sympathy, or empathy. He hadn’t said anything for about five minutes now, and his entire demeanour screamed ‘frozen’. Even Mathias’ eyes were growing so horrifically cold now; it was beginning to unnerve even Lukas. Seeing Mathias erect a wall made of theoretical liquid nitrogen between them was a scary sight, indeed.

The door slammed, finally dissolving the tension and silence, completely. The fire continued crackling in its nest, sending warmth and comfort to the room, and to Lukas. However, it did nothing to soothe him. If anything, seeing the flickering flames only made his anger more intense, more terrifying. Assuming that the blizzard outside would calm him, he glanced to the nearest window, only to find that a spark of worry zapped his mind. It was shut down, however, by the same mental wall he’d used to keep Mathias at bay.

He couldn’t – _wouldn’t_ – think about Mathias. Collapsing onto the couch, Lukas immediately found he had to lay down. He felt weird, he felt tired. Most of all, he felt like complete and utter crap. He wanted to cry, yet no tears fell. He wanted to yell, yet he could not find his voice. Lukas wanted to apologise, yet there was no one to apologise to, not here. The only good thing about this was that Emil was with Berwald and Tino for the weekend, so he didn’t have to see his fathers fight.

What had even caused this…?

Lukas let out a long groan, filled with hatred, loathing, grief, and regret. Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to wish everything back to normal. He wished that he didn’t say what he did. He wished that he didn’t tell Mathias to leave. He wished that Mathias was inside, instead of out in the middle of a blizzard, more than likely freezing–

Wait, why would Mathias freeze? He’d taken his jacket, and the guy knew how to get out of the wind. He’d once survived for four days when he’d wandered off a hiking trail, following a deer. When he was found, Mathias had said that the deer was beautiful, and that he’d only intended to follow it for a short distance. But, that had been in spring, and not in the desolate depths of winter. There had been no blizzard that had already lasted for an entire day.

That little spark of worry that had been suppressed now blossomed into an electrifying shock, jolting Lukas off the couch and to the front door. He looked immediately to the hooks on the wall, where his incredibly warm jacket hung. He was afraid to shift his gaze a little to the right, afraid of what he would see, but he did it anyway. Mathias’ own jacket hung there, untouched, like he hadn’t even thought about it.

That _idiot_!

Sparing no time, Lukas pulled on his pair of snow-boots over the socks he was wearing. He didn’t have particularly thick pants on but he had no time to change – they would have to do. As he ripped the jacket off of the hook and over his body, he took thirty seconds to grab two torches and glance at the clock. Dread snaked its way through every atom of his being as he saw that it had been more than twenty minutes since Mathias had left, meaning that hypothermia would definitely be setting in, if it hadn’t already.

Almost as an afterthought, Lukas grabbed Mathias’ jacket and tied its sleeves around his chest; any lower would mean that it would trail in the snow and get wet. That would just accelerate the hypothermia. Shoving the second torch into his pocket, Lukas burst out into the cold and wind, whose icy fingers found their way to every bare patch of skin. Lukas realised that he should have worn a beanie, too, but it was too late to go back now, and every second was vital. As he slugged through the forest, Lukas found that no footprints dented the snow, which was falling and whipping around at an ever-faster rate.

This was just _great_.

Not only had Mathias forgot his jacket, but now there was nothing for Lukas to track on the snow. Wait, why was he looking at just the powder snow? Damn, he’d been so worried that basic tracking skills had left his mind. Raising his gaze a bit, Lukas looked to the trees and the trunks at eye level. Mathias was angry, he was hurting, and more than likely needed a way to vent that rage. For Mathias, that meant doing something physical, such as breaking things. 

Would he have snapped–?

Yes, he had!

Lukas felt sheer joy filling him as he saw freshly snapped branches littering the snow and dangling limply from trees, threatening to blow away with the wind. The mental wall began to weaken and crack. Sure, Mathias’ tendency for physical outbursts had landed him in trouble before, which Lukas often had to berate him for, but now…

Lukas was so incredibly grateful.

Trudging his own path through the snow, he followed the trail that Mathias had unintentionally laid. By now, though, the wind had picked up even more, and snow clung to Lukas’ hair, and eyelashes. It was only when a particularly strong gust of wind sent him stumbling forward that Lukas realised that he wasn’t wearing any gloves, either. Well, that was stupid. Oh, you know what else he forgot to do? He forgot to alert emergency services, which meant, that, even if he found Mathias, they could both die!

Wow, what a great plan he’d come up with. Just go charging out into a blizzard to find some idiot who couldn’t control his anger. Nobody would worry, nothing bad would happen. Never mind the fact that humans died so quickly from the cold! 

Cursing himself, both mentally and verbally, Lukas rallied himself through sheer self-loathing. He’d been the cause of this shit, so he’d be damned if he did nothing to resolve it. He was going to find Mathias, even if he, himself, froze to death the damned process!

His hands were much number than they were before, and they stung, too, strangely. If his hands were numb, wouldn’t he not feel the stinging cold? Lukas pushed the crowding thoughts to the back of his mind, and tried to keep his frantic search entirely on Mathias. He was the goal. When he was found, everything would be alright, even if they were lost. Everything would be alright.

It had to be…

Pushing further into the snowy forest, Lukas followed the broken and fractured branches, with visibility worsening with each passing second. Had he angered a snow faerie when he caused Mathias to ran off? Was death in the snow going to be his punishment from the fickle creature? He’d leave an offering for the faerie when the weather calmed and Mathias was safe, even if Mathias occasionally joked about his beliefs.

Faerie or not, however, the weather continued to worsen. So much so, in fact, that Lukas’ voice drowned in the wind’s ocean, instead of drifting along its currents. As his voice grew hoarse from fighting the wind, Lukas found despair creep into his mind again, prying at the cracks in every mental block he’d put up to keep it at bay. It was pushing, and prodding, running its ice-cold fingers down his spine, chilling him even more than the snow storm.

How long had he been out here? Lukas had been searching for about forty-five minutes, or so his cold-to-the-touch watch said. That meant that Mathias had been out in this storm for over an hour, with no protection from the conditions. The thought made Lukas pause mid-step – this meant that Mathias was in very serious trouble if he hadn’t already–

No! He wasn’t dead, and Lukas couldn’t think that way. That was the absolute worst-case-scenario. He had to assume that this was the slightly better worst-case-scenario, in which Mathias was freezing, hypothermic, maybe had frostbite, and maybe in shock, but was still alive. Mathias was not going to die, even as the wind tugged at his jacket, still tied high around Lukas’ body, and billowing with the wind’s calls.

After a few hundred metres, Lukas came to a clump of large, old trees, scarcely visible, even though they were only eight metres ahead. Lukas approached, fully aware that there was every chance that Mathias would be here, and every chance he wouldn’t. What would he do if Mathias wasn’t there? Where would he look? Sure, both knew the forest well, but, in the middle of a blizzard, it was as disorienting as being deprived of all senses.

When Lukas finally slogged through the thigh-high snow to the relative shelter of the old trees, he leaned against their bark, and resisted the urge to slump into the snow. He had to keep his upper body as dry as possible, and the snow would melt through and soak his clothes if he collapsed in it. Deciding that he would take only three minutes to catch his breath, Lukas panted softly, looking up at the tree’s dead limbs, and feeling the effects of over-exertion begin to set in.

Just how much could any person take? How much could he take? Damn, he didn’t know anymore. It would be oh, so easy to just give into the snow, to collapse into its chilling embrace and let it lull him to death. It would be easier than trying to find a stupid idiot who was probably dead–

“No, he’s not dead,” Lukas’ voice was raspy. He needed water, and throat-soothing medication, “Don’t you dare think he’s dead.”

“He’s alive. Maybe frostbitten, maybe in shock, but he’s alive,” Lukas continued this one-way conversation with himself, “So, you just need to stay the fuck alive and fucking find his fucking ass.”

Lukas hardly ever swore without reason, but, somehow, he found that it was keeping him focused. Had he read somewhere that swearing helped one to tolerate pain, or was that a hoax? It didn’t matter, and that, too, was pushed to the back of his mind. Lukas hadn’t been counting the seconds, but he was fairly certain that more than a minute had passed, yet, he was still out of breath and utterly exhausted.

Lukas closed his eyes, and let his other senses fill him in on the storm around him. It was still worsening, the wind told his ears. He was getting hypothermic, himself, the cold told his fingers and nose. He needed to find Mathias, the worry in the back of his mind told his body. Without his eyes, though, his other senses were getting overloaded, resulting in a small, persistent headache starting.

Unable to bear its new and hated pounding, Lukas opened his eyes, and his entire body froze, as stiff as the dead trees. A few metres away, almost completely obscured by snow, there stood a figure, looking so fragile, as if they could blow away with the wind. Slowly, the figure approached, and, as they did so their features came into focus: wind-blown blonde hair, with snow clinging to nearly every strand, cheeks too pale to be healthy, and arms wrapped around himself in a futile attempt to stop the cold…

Was Lukas hallucinating, or was that really the person he’d been looking for? God, he didn’t know. Still, as the figure staggered through the snow, and each step brought them further into focus, Lukas found himself doubting that this was anything, except real. Had he finally found Mathias?

“Ma-Mathias,” Lukas’ voice was weak, raspy and hoarse. He pushed himself off of the tree, and burst back into the full force of the blizzard. 

Mathias said nothing, but as both staggered towards each other, Lukas saw nothing but sheer relief in his clouded eyes. While the distance between them was closing, Mathias stumbled, his would-be face plant into the snow was prevented by Lukas catching his arms, and just barely supporting his weight. Normally, he would have been able to hold Mathias without much effort, but, when he was sapped of his strength, he could barely hold himself.

As Mathias steadied himself, both of them clung to each other, both unable to believe that the other was real. It was Lukas who gave in first, wrapping his arms around Mathias and burying his face into the other’s chest. Mathias reciprocated, wrapping Lukas in his own embrace. The two stood there, in the howling wind, the whirling snow, and the withering cold for less than a half a minute, with Lukas moving back, and guiding Mathias to the relative shelter of the old tree.

Mathias slumped heavily against the bark of the tree, but Lukas wouldn’t let him collapse into the snow. That would all but welcome death to claim Mathias. Remembering that he had Mathias’ jacket tied around his chest, Lukas untied the sleeves and slipped it onto Mathias. Well, ‘fought’ would have been a better word. It wasn’t that Mathias was struggling against him, it was just that both of them were so cold that even simple tasks had become difficult.

When the coat was finally on Mathias, Lukas didn’t zip it up just yet. Instead, he got as close to Mathias as possible, and then struggled with the zipper. Getting the zipper to zip was a lot more difficult than getting the jacket on, and it took a long few minutes for the zipper to even budge. The coat would be stretched, and a new one would probably need to be bought, but that didn’t matter. Both of them were in the grips of hypothermia, Mathias especially, so they needed all the warmth they could get.

Pressed somewhat uncomfortably against Mathias’ chest, with the jacket making movement near impossible, Lukas let out a long sigh, feeling that mental wall from earlier in the night beginning to crumble. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to beg and plead for Mathias’ forgiveness. He’d been the cause of this; he’d almost killed Mathias.  
However, Lukas didn’t do any of that just yet. With an ear against Mathias’ chest, Lukas listened to the other’s heartbeat. It was strained, frantic, trying to get blood to his extremities. Mathias stood there, grateful for the warmth, but... 

Something was off about him.

Shifting his gaze to Mathias’ arms and hands, he found that, aside from being clamped around both of them, they weren’t moving, not even to shiver. There was no tell-tale tremble to signify that his body was keeping warm, unlike Lukas’ own body. Why wasn’t Mathias shivering? Had he warmed up that quickly? No, even if he was warm, he’d still be shivering. So, why wasn’t he–?

Oh.

No, no, that couldn’t be it.

That couldn’t possibly be it!

There was no way – not one – that this could be happening.

None…

Listening again to Mathias’ heartbeat, Lukas found that it was indeed frantic, but for all the wrong reasons. Mathias was hypothermic, yet he wasn’t shivering to keep warm. He normally spoke so much, but hadn’t said a single word. His eyes were still clouded, and he looked as if he was barely there. A realisation dawned on Lukas: Mathias was in shock, so much shock that he wasn’t even shivering when he was hypothermic. No matter what Lukas did, if they stayed out in the snowstorm, Mathias would be dead by morning.

Filled with frantic worry and determination – a nausea inducing combination – Lukas unzipped Mathias’ large coat in a quarter of the time it had taken to zip up, before yanking the zip as high as it would go. He also tugged the hood over Mathias’ head; he could not lose any more body heat. All the while, Mathias watched him with those barely-there eyes, which Lukas had to ignore. If he even so much as glanced at Mathias’ face, he would break down and they’d both die.

“Mathias,” Lukas spoke sternly, despite his hoarse voice, “Mathias, we’re going home right now. Follow me.”

Lukas began to leave the shelter of the tree, and looked back when he was at its farthest branches. Mathias had barely moved. Sure, he’d obviously tried to move, since he was now kneeling in the snow, but, damn, this was so unlike him. Filled not so much with anger, but with fear, Lukas marched back to Mathias and hauled the taller man to his feet. From there, Lukas’ grip was iron-strong, as he led Mathias through the swirling snow and whirling wind, always pulling and tugging if it seemed that the other was about to fall. 

Neither of them would die, Lukas had to make sure of that.

They were making good progress. Lukas guessed that they were about two kilometres from the house when they found the trail of branches that Mathias had snapped. Even though he, himself, was being castrated by the cold, Lukas still kept talking to Mathias. 

Sometimes, it was words of encouragement, others, it was insults. Lukas was hurling everything he’d ever used to get a reaction from Mathias at him, hoping that he wasn’t too far gone. It wasn’t working, however, and, a short time after they encountered the trail of branches, Mathias slumped into the snow once more. Lukas felt the tug on his arm, and turned around, wondering how to get Mathias to move again.

When he saw Mathias, his mind went into true survival mode. Mathias was too weak to walk, it seemed, no matter how much Lukas pulled him, lifted him, and supported him. He always crashed back into the snow. Lukas then crouched down to Mathias’ level, as if he were reprimanding a kid. Except, this kid was caught in the middle of a snowstorm, in shock, hypothermic, not shivering and barely keeping warm, and at the end of his rope.

When Mathias’ and Lukas’ eyes met, Lukas was certain he saw a flash of clarity, of petrification in those usually-piercing-blue eyes. It was gone just as the spark arose, though, giving away to that scary indifference. But, there was still hope, Lukas told himself, Mathias could still be saved.

“Mathias,” Lukas could scarcely speak; god, he needed water, “I’m getting you out of this, even if I have to carry you.”

Wait, carry him? Well, if Mathias couldn’t walk, and dragging him would just get him colder, carrying him didn’t seem like too bad of an option. Standing up once more, Lukas used all of his strength to haul Mathias up and out of the snow. This time, it worked, but Mathias immediately began to fall, his legs unable to support him. Before he could, though, Lukas slid underneath him, and gripped his arms. It took some adjusting – several times, Lukas nearly stumbled – but, in the end, Mathias was balanced on his back.

They’d done this before, when they were younger, except it was always Mathias carrying a seemingly reluctant Lukas. The few times Lukas had tried to carry Mathias, both of them crashed into the ground. It wasn’t that he was weak, Mathias was just too heavy for him at the time. And now, it was more difficult than ever before, not only because both of them were weakened, but also because Mathias was a complete dead-weight on his back.

Still, somehow, Lukas managed to take one step, then another, and another. Somehow, even with at least eighty kilograms on his back, he was managing to walk. Even when the wind intensified, and Lukas was reminded of the potential pissed-off faerie, he kept moving, not letting himself stop, even once. If he stopped, he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to start walking again. 

With the way Mathias’ head was positioned, Lukas could feel his weak breaths on the back of his neck, and he used them as an indicator as to how Mathias was holding up. For now, his breaths were steady; weak, but steady, so Lukas didn’t let up in his desperate trudge through the blizzard.

One kilometre passed, and then another five-hundred metres. They were still following Mathias’ branch-trail, but exhaustion was beginning to crawl and creep its way into Lukas’ limbs. His legs felt like water, and his arms were getting stiff from supporting Mathias, yet he continued to walk, doing his best to ignore the pain.

After what must have been at least an hour, Lukas could finally see the outline of the house, about one-hundred metres away, and the sheer sight of it filled him with determination. He was going to get them both out of the cold. They’d be warm, and then they’d joke about this tomorrow. That’s what was going to happen.

When Lukas had slugged through the snow to the house’s front door, he stood there for a few seconds, unable to believe that he’d actually done it. Opening the door with Mathias on his back was tricky, but he got it open, then used his own shoulder to push it shut. As he staggered to the living room, Lukas realised that they still had their snow-covered boots on, and snow was falling to the floor. 

As Lukas gently lowered Mathias onto the couch, he looked at the fire, and noticed, for the first time, how dim and cool the room was. The fire had nearly gone out, with just its embers remaining. Crawling to the basket of sticks and branches on the other side of the room, Lukas piled them onto the fireplace. He was nearly tempted to throw the entire basket on, as well, but, from somewhere in his mind, logic and reason advised against that.

As for the embers, they took a bit of encouraging, but they eventually latched onto the new food, growling with heat as they did so. Lethargically pulling off his boots, Lukas headed upstairs to his room. When he entered, he took note of just how enticing his bed was right at that moment. With the clock on the bedside table reading 2:56 A.M., Lukas was encouraged even more to just collapse. He couldn’t, though, and he headed to his drawers, specifically, the bottom one.

That was where he kept his warmest blankets, and Lukas grabbed all of them he could carry. At the top of the staircase, he dropped them to the hallway below, wishing he could be okay after doing the same thing, and slowly headed down the stairs. As his hand gripped the railing, Lukas realised just how cold he truly was. His hands were completely numb, not even the stinging from a few hours before persisted now.

Still, he couldn’t worry about himself. He had to look after Mathias. When his feet were on even ground again, Lukas scooped up the blankets and entered the living room to see that Mathias hadn’t moved. Rather than throw the heaviest and warmest blanket of the bunch on Mathias, he used the lightest one there, which was still super warm. To use anything warmer would cause shock more dangerous than what he was already experiencing.

Checking that Mathias was, in fact, still breathing, Lukas allowed himself to relax a bit. Sure, Mathias was inside now, but that didn’t mean that he would be okay. With Mathias taken care of, Lukas grabbed one of the blankets and wrapped it around his own body, relishing in the instant warmth it provided. With the blanket draped over his shoulders, Lukas got to work on removing Mathias’ shoes, not caring about the snow that got on the floor. He also removed Mathias’ jacket, finding that his shirt was still dry. 

His pants, however, were completely soaked. Most likely from all the times Mathias fell in the snow. Without giving it a second thought Lukas pulled Mathias’ pants off, leaving him in his underwear and shirt. Mathias was still cold, and that prompted Lukas to lay the previously removed jacket on the other’s upper body, before replacing the blanket over him. Hopefully, with his wet clothes removed, Mathias would recover faster. As he let the clothes drop to the floor at the end of the couch, a wave of tiredness swept over Lukas, but, he fought it off. 

He couldn’t go to sleep, yet. He still had Mathias to look after. Still, Mathias did seem to be relatively okay for now, so Lukas went into the kitchen, turning on the light as he did so. Taking a glass cup from a cupboard, Lukas turned the tap on until the water was warm, if not hot. Once the glass was full, Lukas took a sip and nearly dropped the glass in shock. The water was nearly too hot to drink without burning his mouth. Accepting defeat for now, Lukas carried the glass back to the living room, and placed it on the coffee table.

From there, Lukas began to arrange the remaining blankets into a makeshift bed for himself, between the lounge and the coffee table. He didn’t intend to sleep, though; get comfortable on the floor and keep an eye on Mathias. It took him a few minutes, and, by the time he was done, he decided to try drinking the water again. This time, it was only mildly unbearable, and Lukas gave himself little time to think about the temperature of the water as he drank it.

He would have preferred to have water from the fridge, but he’d needed to be re-hydrated and warmed up, and warm water was the fastest way to achieve that. To pass the time, Lukas watched the flickering flames of the fire, and reflected on the events of that night. 

He couldn’t even remember what they were fighting about. All he knew was that it got so bad that Lukas told Mathias to leave, and Mathias had complied. Then, worry had set in, and it drove Lukas to risk his life, saving Mathias’ own in the process. Throughout the entire ordeal, Lukas had prevented himself from feeling anything that wasn’t necessary, such as anguish. He hadn’t let himself slip or crack under the pressure. However, now that the pressure had been lifted, Lukas found that he was unable to cry, scream, or even find the words to apologise. What would he say? ‘I’m sorry’? What good would that do?

He’d nearly killed Mathias, and there was no guarantee that he would survive the night, and _that_ would be his fucking apology?! Would Mathias even want to know him tomorrow? Would they be able to work it out, or, would Mathias leave him, and maybe even Emil, too? He knew he should have been crying at that moment; god, how Lukas knew. But, he just couldn’t find the tears, or tap into that side of his personality now. All he felt was self-loathing, hatred, and fear. He wasn’t sure how long he stared at the fire, and, eventually, Lukas laid down on the blankets. At some point, probably after 4 A.M., Lukas drifted into a dreamless sleep. 

When he woke, every bone in his body ached; every muscle was sore, and he didn’t want to move. Slowly sitting up, Lukas was surprised to find that a second blanket covered the one already on him. Wait, was that the one he’d put on Mathias? But, that meant–

Sure enough, Mathias wasn’t on the couch, and, for a brief second, worry pierced his mind. Had it all been a dream, or had Mathias already left? Footsteps from the kitchen, on the other side of the hallway, however, disbanded both theories. Mathias was here, and sounded like he was okay. Lukas looked out the window to find that the blizzard was still raging. If anything, it had intensified, but the house was strong and sturdy, made of brick. It had withstood worse blizzards. It was scarcely any lighter than it had been last night, and Lukas wondered how long he’d been asleep. 

The ticking clock on the wall said that it was 11:30, which Lukas presumed to be A.M. So, he’d slept for maybe seven hours. If that was true, then why did he feel like he’d been hit by a truck? The cup he’d left on the coffee table was also gone; Mathias must have taken it to the kitchen sink. With his observation of his surroundings done, Lukas eased himself to his feet, even though his legs felt so incredibly weak. 

When he was standing, albeit leaning on the arm of the couch, Lukas made the decision to at least check on Mathias, even if the other could leave him; he needed to make sure that he was okay. Walking painfully, and with something of a limp – did he strain his legs too much by carrying Mathias through snow? – he walked across the hallway and to the kitchen. He remained as silent as possible. Even so, Mathias turned away from the coffee maker to face him. Maybe Mathias was expecting Lukas to want to be quiet.

Lukas broke the unwavering silence between them, with words that were more a question than a statement, “You’re still here.”

Mathias’ response was to pull his classic, lopsided grin, but, something was off about it, “Yeah, I am. Did you sleep well?”

Why was Mathias acting as if nothing was wrong? Bewildered, Lukas stated, “Neither of us did, Mathias. You know that. Anyway, how are you?”

The reply was curt, “I’m good.”

“I mean, how are you feeling?”

“Lukas, I said I’m good,” A sharp undercurrent was scarcely hidden.

Oh, so _that’s_ how Mathias was feeling. He was pissed off; actually, he was vexed and filled with rage. Now, Lukas could tell what was strange about Mathias: he was guarded, not the open book he usually was. That only happened when he was extremely upset. His smile was also a bit off, not quite reaching his eyes, and definitely not genuine. While his smile might have fooled Emil, Tino, and even Berwald, it didn’t fool Lukas; he was way too perceptive to let it slip past his notice.

“Mathias, I,” Lukas paused, figuring out his next words, “I want you to know that–”

“I don’t want to hear it. You nearly killed me last night.”

…

What…?

Lukas had nearly killed Mathias?

But…

“What do you mean _I_ nearly killed you?!” Lukas was filled with instantaneous anger, “ _You’re_ the one who ran out into the fucking blizzard with no jacket, or anything! You nearly killed yourself!”

Mathias’ retort was instant, scathing – a tone that didn’t suit his voice, “You told me to leave, or did you forget?”

“You still should have taken your jacket and warm clothes, you fucking idiot!”

“Oh, so I’m the idiot?” Sarcasm dripped from Mathias’ voice. Yet another thing that didn’t suit him, “Nice to know that you care so much.”

By this point, Mathias’ eyes were no longer warm and welcoming. They were perfect mirrors of Lukas’ eyes: frigid, guarded, and revealing nothing else. It was a perfect re-enactment of last night, Lukas realised, which meant, that if both of them continued like this, the same thing would happen again. This time, neither of them might be lucky enough to survive. The movement of Mathias striding past him snapped Lukas back to reality.

“Where are you going?” Fear and emotion invaded his voice, causing it to tremble, as if he’d cry at any moment. He had to stop this.

“Where do you think?” Mathias snapped, not looking at Lukas, “Outside, like you wanted me to do last night. You also want that now, don’t you?”

Lukas felt petrification jolt through every fibre of his being. Mathias couldn’t leave; he still wasn’t completely okay from the night before. He had only just dumped to the floor the blanket that he’d been holding around himself. If he went outside now…

“No!” That was louder than Lukas intended, but it got Mathias to stop, and look at him.

“What did you say?” A confused undercurrent accompanied Mathias’ voice.

“No, Mathias,” Lukas quietened his voice, yet he was still firm, “I don’t want you to leave.”

“You did barely twelve hours ago.”

He had a point, but, “I know. I know, Mathias, and I’m so sorry for saying that. I didn’t mean it; I was upset, and I wasn’t thinking straight. Please, don’t go.”

Mathias was quiet for a few seconds, hopefully contemplating Lukas’ words. Then, “If that’s it, I’m leaving.”

Lukas felt every mental wall, every barrier, every little bit of his guarded nature, shatter. Mathias didn’t listen. Didn’t he know how sorry Lukas was? No, he knew – Mathias definitely knew – but, he wasn’t satisfied with the apology he’d been presented. 

Lukas moved to the hallway, more silent than ever before, feeling his eyes prickling with tears. Mathias was there, putting his boots on. As Mathias stood up, Lukas made his move; Mathias had to stay. 

“What do you want, Mathias?” Any composure, any dignity Lukas had hoped to maintain vanished when his fingers clung to the back of Mathias’ jacket, “How can I make this up to you? There has to be something! Please, don’t go, Mathias!”

Mathias stood stock still, not even moving when Lukas leaned against him and uncontrollable sobs escaped him. It was a pitiful sight: a taller man standing, facing away from his partner, even as he cried. A normally-stoic man breaking down, revealing every inch of his inner self, a side he showed no one; all in the small hope that the other wouldn’t leave.

“Please, Mathias,” It was getting difficult to talk, and to breathe, “Don’t go. If not for me, then stay for Emil! He loves you; you’re one of his fathers! I don’t care if you never speak to me again, just, please! Don’t leave!”

Again, Mathias remained still, and Lukas felt petrification turn to desperation. Somewhere, a small instinct told him he had to make his case now, or Mathias would walk out that door and never look back. 

“Mathias, if you stay, I promise I’ll never argue with you again. I’ll never piss you off. If you tell me to shut up, I will, alright?!” Lukas couldn’t quite believe that he was begging, “I promise, I’ll never hurt you again. Stay, please…?”

This time, Lukas did get a reaction from Mathias. He let go as the other turned around, and found that he couldn’t look Mathias in the eyes. Instead, he focused on how the fur lining of the jacket was poking up in tufts, as if it had been recently played with. Mathias often got fidgety when he was stressed. Did that mean Lukas had gotten through to him?  
Silence stretched on, as if it was beginning to love its new place in the home, not relenting for quite some time; it only slunk away when Mathias spoke.

“Lukas, I,” Mathias paused. Was he angry? Upset? “I’m so, so sorry for putting you through last night. You told me to leave, sure, but then you came to find me.”

Lukas still watched the fur lining the jacket, though, it was getting blurry, and his face was wet.

“You spent over an hour in that blizzard looking for me, and then you spent more than an hour carrying me back here,” Another pause, but not for too long, “You carried me all the way back here, when I’d gone over three kilometres away from home. You carried me when you were freezing to death, yourself. You could have left me to die and ensured that you survived, but, you gambled your own life to save mine.”

“Well, of course, idiot. You’re important to me, after all,” was what Lukas wanted to say, but only a stifled sob was heard from him.

As Mathias continued, his voice cracked, something that Lukas would have normally chuckled at. But, not now, “You were willing to die just so that you could save me. There wasn’t even a guarantee that I was going to survive, even if you got me back here, but you did it anyway.”

The fur lining was getting wet now. Not from Lukas’ tears, though, “Lukas, I can’t ever thank you enough, and I’m so fucking sorry for putting you through this!”

At this point, Lukas was all but crushed in a bear-hug from Mathias that was tighter than ever before. Even if he’d been able to move, he wouldn’t have moved away from Mathias’ warmth and protection.

Perhaps sensing that he was one squeeze away from completely crushing Lukas, Mathias loosened his grip, only to have Lukas literally cling to him. As Lukas wrapped his arms around Mathias, he buried his face in Mathias’ chest, finding that he couldn’t think of anything to say to Mathias. Nothing sentimental or meaningful like Mathias had strung together – that guy could be a poet at the most unexpected times.

Neither Lukas nor Mathias were certain of how long they remained there, savouring each other’s protection and warmth. Lukas was reminded of other times in his life, just after he and Mathias had begun their relationship, when either of them needed comfort and reassurance that the other wouldn’t leave. That was before they’d adopted Emil, who was now just over eight years old.

Eventually, the tears from both of them dried, and Lukas’ eyes were especially puffy from crying. Lukas said nothing, merely relaxing as Mathias ran his fingers through his platinum-blonde hair. Oh, how he savoured and cherished the moment that Mathias placed a soft kiss on his forehead. It was times like these that Lukas loved the most, when he and Mathias didn’t need words to communicate, that Lukas absolutely loved.

“You know, Lukas,” Mathias spoke softly, his voice barely above a warm whisper, “You’re one of the best things to ever happen to me. You’re amazing in every way, and I love you so, so much.”

Again, Lukas didn’t say anything, only moving to hide his blush from Mathias, earning a chuckle from the taller guy, and whispered words of how cute he was. A pause filled the room, but, this time, it wasn’t awkward, or foreboding. It was calm and loving.

“You want to know the other best thing to ever happen to me?” There was a laugh in his voice now, leaving Lukas wondering, “Our son, Emil.”

No further explanation was needed; both of them knew how much the other loved their precious child, even through hard times. Emil was often the little ray of sunshine and hope, who, no matter how dire situations were, was always optimistic for the future. When either of his dads were upset, he knew just how to cheer them up.

“Also, Lukas,” Mathias’ tone was even more playful, “Want to have a movie day?”

Finally unable to hide his growing smile, Lukas looked up at his husband with a laugh, “Sure, but I don’t think either of us will stay awake for more than one movie. I haven’t had any coffee today.”

“Oh, yeah, you and you’re coffee,” Another laugh, “I can get you some if you’d like.”

“It’s fine, idiot-Dane,” Lukas used one of his affectionate nicknames for Mathias, “Let’s just watch movies and relax.”

This was met with a boisterous happiness from Mathias, as he selected more than five movies to marathon. Lukas was right, though; neither of them stayed awake for long. Mathias fell asleep on Lukas halfway through the movie, and Lukas, too, found he couldn’t resist the now-soothing lull of sleep. The danger had passed, and Lukas was no longer afraid of closing his eyes. 

He could lower his guard, and be certain that everything would be alright.


End file.
